Brenda’s Blog

💡 Withholding necessary feedback is usually aggressive behavior.

If that sounds surprising, consider this: Whose needs are being met?

In my last post, I shared how much we value *receiving* feedback – yet how reluctant we are to *give* it.

One reason I often hear from leaders is: “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Sounds compassionate, right? But again, consider the situation through the lens of whose needs are being met.

Here’s a simple way to look at it. If I’m being…

🔹 Passive: You get what you want, but I don’t get what I want.
🔹 Aggressive: I get what I want, but you don’t get what you want.
🔹 Authentic-assertive: We both move toward what we want.

Now apply that to withholding necessary feedback.

By staying silent, the leader gets what they want – avoiding an uncomfortable conversation.

But the employee doesn’t get what they want – the insight required to improve.

So, whose need is being served? The leader’s comfort – not the employee’s growth. By the definition above, that’s aggressive behavior.

Instead of asking: “How do I avoid hurting their feelings?”

Ask:

“How can I deliver this feedback respectfully AND give them what they need to grow?”

That’s authentic/assertive leadership. And that’s when feedback truly becomes a gift. 🎁

❓ Which is ultimately kinder: giving tough feedback or withholding it?